When I was an explorer, new on the planet earth, I wanted to know everything. I was like a cat with a shiny bead. I couldn't stay out of things. I took everything apart, even before I knew what a screwdriver was. I never had an exit or follow up plan. Most things, usually my toys, were taken apart, then lived in pieces under my bed, never to live in sunlight again. My tool kit was comprised of anything I could remove a screw with. Nail clippers. Tweezers. Butter knife. Steak knife with a cloth to protect my fingers. Yeah, not elaborate at all. I always wanted to see the parts that made a thing work. Preferably as they were inside of the thing, but I was aware that was not possible. So, take it apart. Here's the back story.
My father used to take me to bars and get the owner to let me in, never drinking alcohol. But we would sit with his friends, The Blue Line was one of these places in Seattle, no longer standing at 2nd Ave. and Denny Way, and as we were sitting, laughing and joking, I was the butt of his jokes. Hurtful jokes. He would make fun of me, my clothes, my haircut, bring up any music I liked, just a terrible experience, but he would do this again and again and I never stood up for myself. He stomped on anything that represented me in any way. I just couldn't be mean back to him.
I know that my father was extremely racist. A trait that is taught, handed down to offspring. "N****r" easily slipped from his lips regardless of the present company. He was a very hateful atheist. It showed normally in any discussion that slightly hinted on religion or spirituality.
Listen, if you have children, be a part of their lives. Be in the middle of their lives. Even if it irritates them, be in their lives. In the end, they won't have memories like I do, and they won't wish that they had more memories like I wish I had. Be a part of your children's lives. BE THERE!
When I was a young boy, ten years old or so, my father once said to me, "I don't make the rules. You make the rules. I just enforce them when you make them. You can't police yourself."
If there is an issue with you and another person who is important to you and it appears that it will never get better, move on. If it appears that they will never know what they mean to you or that they just don't care or want to bother with it, dump it and get busy putting your energy into something more constructive and beneficial for all. Don't waste away in denial like I have been doing for 40 years. There is something better you could be putting your energy into. If do not dump it and move on, you are carrying a sign that says, "Sure, you can damage me and I won't stop you." It isn't easy to let go, certainly if you care about that person, but nurturing them in order to allow them to damage you just isn't what healthy relationships are made of.
There are moments in our lives when we know that there is someone in our lives with whom we could be so much closer to, in heart, in spirit, in love, but more than anything, in life, but we are limited by their choice to be distant. There are times when we just want to tell them, "This is not about who is right or wrong, it's about dropping your wall and not only letting someone in, but also about you reaching out." All of it. Of course, we all need space, but there are times when we can not bear to be alone.
Just letting go of family members because they refuse to give me answers seems quite counter productive. I know that we all have 'skeletons in our closets,' and with what I am doing with my attempt to get answers to my questions, undoubtedly, I am rattling those 'skeletons,'
If you ever become a dad, or are now, love your children, ask them questions, give them answers, make them smile whether you feel happy or not. Above all know that if you ever made a mistake when you were a kid, you ARE going to see them make that same mistake.
Many times I have heard, "Why do I need a piece of paper to show that I'm married?" I'm sorry, but that just sounds pathetically selfish. Being married means you consider your mate more important than yourself. If you don't, then marriage is not for you and will be a complete failure for you if you enter into it. You must consider your spouse as important as you consider yourself. In my opinion, more important. I do mine.
Listen to me. If you have issues with your family that you can't seem to resolve, let them go. They are in the past. If you can't make peace, then you may have held on to the battlements for too long and there in no way back over them to your camp. You are stuck where you don't want to be and the only resolution will be when someone passes on. That is no way to see a resolution. That is a game that was lost by both parties. Don't let that happen. Smile and wave, move on, but don't walk away.
Do you ever ‘hate’ something? “I hate it when that happens?” Does that denote ‘unconditional love?’ I don’t think so. Of course, anyone could say ‘Lighten Up.’ Absolutely, ‘lighten up.’ But the question still remains, “Do you express unconditional love?”
Forgiving is a state of mind, apology is a conversation. Which do you think is more powerful? According to the people who has answered me on this, apologies seem to make you look weak or take your 'power' away. I disagree. I think it makes one look very strong. Very trustworthy.
"How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?" Regardless of how much I want to get a resolution to this, I have to refuse to go further with this cause. Some questions don't get answered, some questions don't need to be answered. Some questions never are heard. Either way, it is no longer important to me.
When we lose a friend or a loved one, family or not, we most often dedicate a bit of our life to making sure we never forget that person, or in some cases, that thing. This is commendable, although, not always an honorable thing to do. At least I feel that way.
This is my final entry concerning family issues. This is the end of my whining, it is also the last of my baggage. It has taken a full year and 12 days to sort this out. There's just no more. Man, I am so thankful. I will relate that I know I have become a better person through writing these accounts without fear of retribution from anyone. If there is anyone who has a beef with me over these accounts, or otherwise, grow a pair and approach me. I am more willing to listen than you probably are to talk.
Don't accept what others have set up for you, or follow what you "feel is right," without questioning everything. If people you look up to are failures in some part of their lives, following their lead will give you the results they accepted. Do better. Think for yourself. Realize what is right and leave the failing recipe behind. Do not allow destructive people or patterns to be a part of your life, regardless of your feelings. Ever.
When I was just a boy, I pretty much lived alone, in and with a family of two brothers and my mother. I was a smart kid, but on my own level, in my own world, on my own planet. My family and their adult friends always used to say, "He's such a smart boy." I... Continue Reading →
I think I was barely four years old when I discovered a machine. I could put thin black discs that had a hole in the center on a platform that spun. You could touch it and interrupt its function. There was a black arm, with a small sharp pin at the end, that could reach the black disc. There was a switch that you could push which started everything moving. Move the black arm to the black disc and set it down. A wondrous and beautiful sound came from this thing.